The Discovery of Other People in the World

Selfish person, checking in for the day.

I think something very interesting about a selfish sort of mindset is that it is characterized by a strange belief that I am unique not just in positive circumstances but in negative ones as well. 'I am suffering in a way no one else has ever done,' so the thought goes, or 'No one understands the sort of suffering I am going through.' And it's interesting that one of the first things my pastor told me in response to a description of various trials I endure is 'That sounds quite normal to me'. It's also interesting how much comfort I took from it, considering such a statement strikes directly at the such self-centeredness.

Yes, I've got a mother that is handicapped and bedridden and requires a great deal of care. She gets me up in the middle of the night, needs feeding, and sometimes yells and screams. I need to see to her every need. It's exhausting. But is this not very similar to having a baby? I'll be honest, I never wanted kids before this whole thing happened, it's almost indignantly insulting that somehow I've been tricked into 'having' one anyway. Ah, but here we are again focusing on me and my personal desires.

I could go on and on about how so very selfish I am. You would cringe at the depths of it, I assure you. But here's the strange thing: take my pastor's words again, and apply them. 'That sounds quite normal to me.' In other words, 'You are not unique in your selfishness. Everyone is. It's a human condition.'

In considering this mind-blowing reality that I am not the only person on earth that has struggled with the ugly aspect of selfishness, I have considered how I really don't think everyone is as selfish as I am. I think there are many people who are more selfless, that have practiced more at putting off the self, who have experience and perhaps even some natural disposition to be less selfish. But on the flip side, there are people who are more selfish than I. The one common thread between me and all human beings though is a degree of selfishness, a spectrum we are all placed upon. If there is one thing we can all relate to, it is the act of Wanting. The mindset of 'It's About Me'. That it is not easy to focus on others to the point of serving them self-sacrificially.

Again, think of it as a spectrum. This isn't an all-or-nothing thing. You aren't either selfish or not. You ARE selfish. How much depends on your life experiences, your beliefs, and your practices. But even how much isn't what I intend to focus on or debate. There is no point in identifying thresholds of selfishness, rating people, and deciding how much or little selfishness is 'good enough'. Any amount of selfishness is not good, but we cannot get rid of it on our own.

I think what fascinates me about considering others in this spectrum of selfishness is that it is a key step to reminding a selfish person (i.e. Me) that there are, you know, other people in the world. This seems so obvious, yes? And yet... well, the mindset of 'It's All About Me' is insidiously deceptive. Sure I see all you people out there. But do you matter to me? Even more, does my selfishness really bar me from interacting with the rest of you? Do I need to lower my selfishness rating to a certain point before I am permitted to attempt to interact in selfless ways with others? How does such a rating get lowered anyway? When selfless acts are perpetrated for the ultimate goal of attempting to improve some sort of poor selfish score on myself, does that not seem a bit twisted? I'm not thinking about others as people with just as many legitimate needs as selfish wants. I'm thinking about them as the unpleasant objects of required goals to minimize my own poor character stats. I am even selfish about my selflessness.

'People struggle with the same things you struggle with.'

Why is this comforting? I think perhaps because it exhorts mercy as a response. Because I cannot consider myself unique in my struggles and suffering, I can't turn my nose up at people saying 'oh you wouldn't understand', nor can I say of them 'I can't relate to what you're going through, therefore there's no point ((points for identifying the more deeply ingrained problem of Futility Struggle right here!)) in trying to do anything for you'. I can relate a lot more to what others are going through than I give myself credit. And I'm guilty too of, when someone attempts to provide help and guidance, skillfully putting them off with excuses that amount essentially to 'Oh, but I'm different, your advice won't work in my circumstances'. I am too interested in preserving the illusion of my uniqueness than absorbing something that could be genuinely helpful.

'You are way more like every other human being on this earth than you think.' I am not a special snowflake. I don't deserve things more than others because I happen to suffer more, or act better, or what. I don't deserve extra attention. It's not my party. And I need to stop acting like if I'm not the center of attention, I can't enjoy myself at all. Just getting invited to a party is a joyful thing, is it not?

This idea of 'if it's not about me I'm not going to have fun or commit' has got to stop. Of course, that is a change that I suspect will take a lifetime, and is not something I could effect on my own. Perfect Christ comes again with history's greatest sacrifice of utter and complete selflessness to give selfishness-covering grace and transforming change.

Current Tea: Shanghai Lychee Jasmine
Current Project: If I were to just *do* the gardening I would stop avoiding it...