Telling The Truth

I didn't mean to fall off in the posting. I don't mean a lot of things in life. But I always mean what I say, at least at that particular moment I'm saying it.

I've been thinking about words again, and this peculiar love language they seem to be for me. Recently I've been meeting with my church's pastor to discuss some of the more emotionally stressful events of home life, and he has been quite encouraging. In particular, I've appreciated how he has been providing me with a lot of material to mentally absorb and ponder, because hey, we all know that ideas to ruminate on are practically my lifeblood. He was the one who recommended me take that Meyers-Briggs personality test, and more recently we discussed Gifts of Grace.

The topic of Spiritual Gifts is somewhat loaded across denominations. People often (with not altogether unwarranted discomfort) think of people going into trances, speaking in tongues, having seizures, you know. *I* think of that, it makes me uncomfortable! The passage these sorts of things are mentioned is in 1 Corinthians, chapters 12-14. I'll be honest, I haven't done a great deal of research into this passage. What I know about it is that some denominations interpret these gifts as manifesting today, and others interpret them as gifts that manifested in the time of the growing Christian Church right after the resurrection of Christ, but are not manifested today. I do not ascribe to a belief that they never existed, that this sort of thing is silly mysticism, or what. My personal belief at this moment on the topic, without heavy research to back it up, is the latter. More to investigate and ruminate on. I am not ashamed to admit I wrestle with my faith and its innerworkings, but do I not do so with all my thoughts concerning life? (hint: the answer is yes.)

But we were not talking about Spiritual Gifts in the speaking-in-tongues, performing-miracles, healing-the-sick sense. We were talking about Gifts of Grace.

Gifts of Grace are written about in Romans 12:3-8. In particular, starting in verse 6: "Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness."

So, to relist: prophecy, service, teaching, exhortation, giving, leading, and mercy. Gifts of grace! These are as much instinctual ways of thinking one can have as the Meyers-Briggs personality test. My pastor termed them specifically as 'lenses of motivation'. We all of course think and react to the world differently, but such a gift of grace underlies our actions and guides our responses to things. Think of it this way, the test he gave me: a man spills coffee on himself. Would your response be:

1. "That's what happens when you're not careful!"
2. "Don't feel badly. It could have happened to anyone."
3. "Oh, let me clean it up for you."
4. "The reason that it fell is that it was too heavy on one side."
5. "Next time, let's use mugs that won't tip over."
6. "I'll be happy to buy a new outfit and coffee cup."
7. "Jim, would you get the mop. Sue, please help pick it up; and Mary, pour another cup."

I'm not clever enough to mix up the order or anything, so they pretty much correlate to the order they're outlined above. Guess which one I would say? Go on, guess. The first one!

It sounds harsh, doesn't it? But that really is my first and initial reaction to things, whether they are happening to others or just me. But what is the motivation behind saying it? To maliciously rub failure into people or myself? Sometimes that's the unfortunate and unintended collateral damage. But no, the motivation is to expose and correct, to fix the problem. This happened because of this, you shouldn't do that. It's not quite the same as #4 above, where the motivation is to merely discover why and learn more about the situation, or #5's focus on encouragement for future coffee-related endeavors; #1 makes a call about the immediate state of affairs. It is a proclamation, an exclamation of truth. It is prophecy.

Ah, prophecy. You're thinking crazy prophet out in the desert speaking in verse and predicting the future, right? But go back to the root word, prophetia, which disassembles to "before; forth" (pro) and "to speak" (phemi). Prophecy in this sense is not of foretelling; it is of forthtelling. In other words, the gift of proclaiming truth, and exposing sin. I'm not going to be able to tell anyone, least of all myself, what the future holds (though Faithful Readers know how terribly stuck I seem to forever be *in* the future). But I apparently have a motivational gift of grace in speaking honestly of the true state of affairs. The Good Lord gave me the ability to (often) see the truth of a situation, and to articulate it to others.

Of course, like anything, such a 'gift' can be misapplied and abused. The abuse of these gifts of grace actually tend to be the way one most identifies with which one they have! Like for prophets, misuses include reacting harshly to sinners, being unforgiving, cutting off people who fail, lacking tactfulness in rebuke, and exposing without restoring. YES THIS IS ME. I don't mean to be this way. My gift is in prophecy, not mercy-- those with the gift of mercy come at things the opposite way. They feel sympathy for the misery of others, they empathize with hurting people, they desire to remove distress and share burdens. I do feel mercy to a certain degree, especially with my home situation, and I am always trying to get better at it. But my inner wirings, the way I think, has me instinctually reacting to the coffee spill not with 'aw, it could have happened to anyone'. For me to give that response actually takes a few extra thoughts of myself reminding me to try and empathize/sympathize, not to just throw out a cool statement of truth, perhaps one of condemnation.

So, how does prophecy get applied positively? It's good features include a desire for justice, a loyalty to truth instead of people (which I do understand the struggle between, having great people-pleasing tendencies), an alertness to dishonesty, a need for expression, and a willingness to suffer for what's right. Also, 1 Corinthians 14:3: "But he that prophecies speaks to men for the upbuilding, encouragement, and consolation." In other words, there is more truth in this world than just 'you screwed up when you dumped coffee on yourself.' There is good truth just like there is unpleasant truth. Prophets came with harsh words to those defiantly turning their backs on God, but they also came with joyous words for those striving to remain faithful.

And what do you suppose brings a prophet down more than anything? Fear of failure, perhaps? Nope-- fear of futility.

Imagine having something truthful to say to someone. 'You have a messy room. You need to clean it up. It's not right to live in squallor. It's unsanitary and unhealthy and unpleasant to see.' (I have no idea where I might have come up with such an example!) Now, this seems truthful and evident to me. And the person I say it to perhaps nods and agrees, and goes about their business. And they do nothing to correct the problem. I say to them again, your room is messy, you need to clean it. Nod, and then ignored. Over and again, I tell him the room is messy, and my truth is snubbed. How long shall I proclaim this to him before feeling like my efforts are futile? Why won't you listen to truth? It is truth, my brain protests, unable to fathom why one would not attempt to conform to it. Why do people ignore truth?! And that soon becomes the thought of 'what's the point? No one will listen to me'. Which to me, more than anything, is the most self-destructive force I struggle with.

'What is the point? No one will listen.' These words twist in me with wretchedness. This is what derails me in writing, what stops me from drawing, what hurts me the most about my family's suffering. I have things to say about this, and no one will listen to me.

I'm not saying being a prophetic sort means I'm always right. I make mistakes and have misconceptions, the same as the next person. But in my fascination with truth, the finding of it and the proclaiming of it, I do a lot of discerning trying to figure out what is right. To have people ignore me and my words is very much a blow to the effort I have put in attempting to find the truth. That contributes to the futility of it all.

But, in here is a strange sort of spark of realization. I do not fear failure, as I always thought I did. I fear futility. And to know the beast I fight in its full and hideous form means instead of clumsily tilting at its shadow, I can strike to the heart of the beast. I never have feared failing at my writing, or my drawing, or at any activity I set my hand to. I fear putting all the effort into it and then having my efforts come to naught. I get it, and am amazed I never got it before. And I don't fear people and their lack of approval; I fear the futility of telling them something and being ignored.

I have a huge amount more to say about how this ties into how much words mean to me, about using this knowledge positively and not negatively, and then a sort of offshoot to theorize about the act of whining a bit. But I think that's enough for one post, especially because I wrote it all and still haven't had my morning two cups of tea.